We are asked questions all the time where the words don’t and can’t are interchangeable.
Would you like dessert?
Can you volunteer at the school on Thursday?
Could you please attend this meeting at 6:30 tomorrow morning?
Using can’t in these circumstances puts the power in the hands of those asking.
In the dessert example, we could say, “No thanks. I can’t, I’m cutting down on sugar”.
In this case, the asker can then push us to break the habit “just this once”.
When we shift the response to don’t, we have the power – “No thanks. I don’t eat dessert.”
This phenomenon is described perfectly in a Forbes article:
I don’t is experienced as a choice, so it feels empowering.
It’s an affirmation of your determination and willpower.
I can’t isn’t a choice – it’s a restriction, it’s being imposed upon you.
So thinking “I can’t” undermines your sense of power and personal agency.
– Forbes
My Perspective
Tuesday, we reviewed techniques to help us set boundaries.
I think we could take our list of personal boundaries and create “I don’t” statements for each.
Listed in this way, we will have a direct reminder of what to say when we need to evoke each policy.
Your Turn
What is one area where you have a challenge saying no to others?
Is your typical response “I can’t” or “I don’t”?
Can you find at least one opportunity today to try an “I don’t” response and see how it works?